Fire this CLOWN, his players hate him and wont play for his BS…. @imseanavery is #winning

— Sean Avery (@imseanavery) March 31, 2013

Pot calling kettle alert.  Freaking Sean Avery of all people, fresh off his cameo on E!’s Fashion Police, wants to chime in on the Rangers’ recent troubles?  Shouldn’t he be busy deciding what color shawls will be “in” this spring?  AND a Charlie Sheen winning reference?  Bro, no one’s winning here.  The Rangers haven’t scored a goal in over two games and you just got done making Kelly Osborne look articulate in yet another embarrassing appearance on a female-focused television network.  This whole goddamn ship is sinking and if there’s one person we don’t want to hear it from, it’s the guy who already fell overboard.  Sean Avery retired on Bravo for crying out loud, so short of him diving into the Hudson and emerging with his skates held over his head like Happy did with his Titleist, he should keep his hockey analysis to himself.

But on the other hand, I’m not so sure he’s wrong.  The dude does have friends on the team so if anyone would know what’s being censored from the press it’s him.  And how else would you explain the Rangers’ lack of life this year?  They’ve been so flat all year, and who’s to say it’s not from Torts constantly throwing players under the bus?  His fiery attitude was completely necessary after the Renney years, but I wonder if that same angry approach to the game hasn’t soured on a roster that has no business missing the playoffs.  No way Sather cuts ties with the coach unless they really do miss out on the post season, but the looming trade deadline might see them make another big move or two to get this team back on track.  Gaborik going?  Clowe coming?  Whatever.  Won’t make a difference if Sean Avery knows what he’s talking about… @PhilOsgood

Man, do I love the Flyers.  No other team seems to inspire the Rangers like Philly does.  It’s always a game they get up for, and so last night’s scheduled tilt was well timed for the struggling Blueshirts.  Oh if only the East’s worst offense could play against Bryzgalov every night, what a different team they’d be.  But even though Bryz’s game is shakier than Michael J. Fox in a Sharper Image chair, New York’s five goal outburst was mostly due to reuniting the Nash-Stepan-Hagelin line.  Why they were ever broken up in the first place is beyond me, but one game back together yielded seven points from the trio so maybe they should keep that unit together no matter how shitty Marian Gaborik looks.  Good to see Kreider get a goal on one hell of a passing play by he, Richards and Del Zotto.  Kid’s looked a lot better since escaping the craphole that is Hartford for hopefully the last time.  Sprinkle in a power play goal from Brad Richards of all people and you have a score sheet that would make any Rangers fan weak in the knees.  Huge two points as we leg out these finals laps looking over our shoulders at the oncoming Tavares Train.

But again, they have to duplicate the result when they travel to Ottawa on Thursday.  It’s been an underwhelming run so far, but this was always going to be a season that one hot streak could completely change.  Turn it on at the right time and you never know what can happen.  Mediocrity through thirty one doesn’t mean the Rangers can’t string together a hot final month and ride that confidence wave into the playoffs.  But have they given us any reason to believe that’s possible?  Any semblance of consistency that might inspire hope in the more naive fans?  Nope.  They’re shit on the road and their offense is anemic.  The power play sucks and our defense is bulimia thin.  Penguin food in the first round, IF they’re lucky.  And to think that we could miss out on the post-season because of the freaking Islanders of all teams.  Thank god Clancy’s jumping on that bandwagon.  Master Mush will be the only guy to blame when Tavares breaks his arm on April 13th.  @PhilOsgood

KFC Editor’s Note: The KFC Mush works in reverse in hockey. Everyone knows that. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Isles make the playoffs and Tavares take home the Hart Trophy or whatever the fuck the MVP is called in the NHL.

I don’t care what side of the Hudson you’re rooting interest lies on, last night’s Devils-Rangers game was one exciting episode of NHL hockey.  It had it all.  Both teams played with the sort of edgy desperation that comes when you’re straddling the line between 8th and 9th.  We saw special teams goals, end to end action, back and forth scoring.  The desired drama was in full supply thanks to an early Devils non-goal that literally everyone in the arena thought went in, followed almost instantly by a Rangers shorty at the other end.  A frantic first period became a contentious second when Lundqvist was shot in the head at close range with a .22, I mean tapped on the mask by Girardi’s elbow.  When they showed that replay on the big screen, the entire arena started to boil over.  In the end, as it almost always is with these Rangers-Devils games, the winning goalie made the difference.  Lundqvist’s flop was ugly, I’ll admit that.  That reaction looked like it was straight out of a Fake Purse Ninjas fight sequence.  But those crucial second period saves were highlight reel game changers.  Those two points are courtesy of Hank’s first star performance.

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Watching last night’s shootout victory over the Hurricanes was like spectating a drunk-dude-settles-for-last-wasted-chick-at-the-bar situation.  Ugly to watch.  Both parties reeking of desperation.  After three straight failed outings, there was a lot of awkward fumbling about and whacking things around in the hopes that a good bounce results in some cheering.  Not a win you’d brag about afterwards, that’s for sure.  But with the game on the line and the puck proving more difficult to control than a whiskey dick caught between two thunder thighs, JT Miller managed to shove his little black buddy home and give the Rangers that extra point they so desperately needed.  Mistakes were made, sure.  Better opportunities to score were missed and we let a team competing for the same playoff spots as we are walk away with a consolation point.  True on all fronts.  But right now you have to take whatever points you can get with a grin and just figure out how to take another two from the next one.

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Compelling stuff there from early Oscar favorite Brad Richards.  Don’t get me wrong, Kaleta’s cross check was unnecessarily lazy and as cheap as a jew at a Walmart, but that toss off the gloves and writhe around in pain act reeked of soccer player.  Replays showed that Richards was lucky not to break his neck, but to take that kind of hit and miss only one shift?  Lucky is one way to put it.  Embellished is another.  Who knows, concussion symptoms sometimes don’t show up for a couple days so #19′s health is not in the clear just yet.  But if that whole reaction was hammed up for the extra 3 minutes of power play time, then bravo sir.

And who’d have thought the easiest way to fix the power play would be to injure Brad Richards.  The guy’s been awful at quarterbacking since he got here.  Forcing passes, standing still, telegraphing shots.  Force him off the ice in order to sell a possibly faked injury and bam, two power play goals in less than a minute.  He’s been a lot better overall since moving to a line with Nash and Hagelin, but making that change would turn my Grandma into Wayne Gretzky so who’s to say whether he’s truly woken up for the long run.  This team is still reading its own press before the games are even won though.  They take a great power play effort and let it turn them cocky before the whole thing’s soured by a short handed goal.  Once they figure out how to protect leads by expanding them, look out East.  @PhilOsgood

PS – Wrote this for the stool yesterday, when it was relevant, never got posted.  Five game suspension.  You all know this.

I feel bad for Rangers fans right now.  We’re stuck rooting for these over-hyped, under-coached heap of dog shit stained Blueshirts, watching consistently ugly hockey as games in hand become losses to the freakin’ Jets of all teams.  But even with all the Garden of Dreams sponsored sob stories about hockey-crazy kids battling cancer out there, I don’t think any blueshirt faithful’s been dealt a worse hand than this fiery redhead Rangers fan.  Can’t go to a game without getting beaten in his seat like the mistreated step child of a restless fan base that he is.  Poor soulless bastard got tossed into the aisle like an unruly drunk out of a closing bar.  Stumble getting up is a clear concussion sign so it’s IR time for him.  No more loud noises or bright lights for the next couple weeks.  And to boot, he’s flashing his flabby midriff around for all of YouTube to see.  Leave a little mystery, will you bro?  Save all those rolls and holes for your letterman life partner there.  Clearly this is why he never takes you out in public anymore.

Yep.  Bending the knee.  Kissing the ring.  Can’t argue with the king of Barstool’s NHL FanDuel.  Seriously, this dude’s been in the top of the table like every time we’ve run this thing; first time he’s outright won though.  I made a paltry profit in the first go and got pretty close to ‘osgoodblows’ in the standings in the process, but since then it’s been a trend of him taking my cash like a bully in the lunch line.  If the consistent money maker says I blow, then I guess I must blow.  Getting doubled up by my most dedicated of haters pretty much solidifies the scientific fact that I blow fantasy hockey bets like George Yung blew lines in the ’70′s, right?  Relentlessly and without regard for the safety or well-being of others.  Gobblin’ knob like it’s my goddamn job.

And I’ve been blowing the blogs, too.  I know it.  You know it.  Your comments aren’t news to me, theprodigy22.  Lately they’ve been night-of, rushed-in pieces of shit neglecting actual hockey analysis in a failing attempt to provide some semblance of humor in these sporadic posts.  So you want to see me dissect a hockey team without the fanboyish adoration that seeps into everything I write because I basically only write after entertaining Rangers wins?  You want me seriously analyze this underwhelming excuse for a team and prove to you that even though I can’t bet on fantasy for shit, at least I know the sport I’m blogging about?  Fine then…

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…or June, whatever.  Sad to see this Rangers-Bruins season series end so quickly, but I think I speak for everyone in hockey when I say that these teams NEED to meet in the playoffs.  Need to.  It’s been way too fucking long since these two original sixes squared off with Stanley still up for grabs.  This “rivalry” needs it.  This sport needs it.  Barstool needs it.  RearAd and I want our Super Bowl XLVI-esq moment in the sun so we can trade off low blows on twitter and shit.  Let’s spark this joint up with some good old inter-city hockey hatred, really put the foil on.  Forty years is faaaaaaar too long, so let’s hope this summer sees that particular streak end and we can watch this kind of quality hockey for up to seven straight times.

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